Consider the variables

What a ridiculous year end…..I’m not all that busy, but I’m completely knackered. This year can end now….seriously!!

Due to my total lack of energy and creativeness, I’m posting on of Ringo’s infamous notes again. Enjoy!!

Fightbook!

Fools! Foolhardy fools, every one! I do not need your social networking contraption. It is broken. I shall have mine own bastion of needlessly specific groups and useless ‘applications’.

I shall name this plethora of interesting: Fightbook.

Here, I give you a slight but tantalizing view of the dream I have:

1. Applications

No longer will I tolerate applications that create black-holes off stupidity, sucking in the intellect of the masses. No Mob Wars or Gifts or Drinks. Gone are Pillow Fights and ‘What Character Are You?’ questionnaires.

I have these instead:
Profile Graffiti – Change others profile’s as you see fit. Let the true artist come to the fore and ignite self-doubt in friends who have lost their likes and dislikes in you creativeness!

News Feed Editor – Become a media empire and shape what people see and hear in the news feed.

Sensationalist reports about your co-workers? O.K!

False facts based on made up statistics and studies? You’ve got it!

How about scandals involving your friends? You’re cooking with fire now!

Accept, Ignore, Destroy! – Now you have more choice when deciding what to do with friend requests. It is up to you to shape the destiny of that person you remember from somewhere, but you’re not sure and the picture is small and the name conjures up only questions.

2. The Status Bar

The sanctity of the status, is there a more revered device on the all powerful internet (Praise be to it)? The safety gained from knowing that others know of you immediate disposition, at all times, truly is rapturous glee.

Now, I submit to you this scenario:

“Wait a minute”; you think to yourself as you check your status for the umpteenth time this hour, hoping that someone has commented on your “LOLZ, I fell when I try thinck and walk at sam timez, BRB!” update. You look again and read: “I’m gay now.”

What you have just felt is the pure bliss of having other people update your beloved status when and how they see fit. No further comment required.

3. Groups

This is the darkest sector of the internet (May its blessings rain down). No-where else is the concentration of folly as high as this collection of brain abortions.

There are groups that proclaim to be charitable but do absolutely nothing except claim to be charitable. Other groups are anti-child pornography and they make you feel despicable for not joining their neo-cause. Worst of all are the overly specific groups that clog up our pages, like this example: “People Who Like KFC, But Not Too Much And Only The Zingers. Also Only On Wednesdays”.

There will be no such silliness in my omnipresent presence!

My groups will require active involvement or the members will face swift retribution. If you join a charity group, money will be taken from you and given to someone else. If you join the fight against crime (group), you and crime will fight. Music groups will require concert attendance and a certain amount of track downloads per month.

All the groups will track your movement and opinions at all times. Just one false move or sign that you do not, in fact “…Like To Wear My Underwear Over My Pants Like Superman But Only Boxers And Only Over Jeans And Only On Saturdays”, and you will be visited by the administrators and re-aligned.

4. Friends

Without your comrades, you are an empty, lonely shell. You have nothing to live for and are a burden upon society. Life is an endless routine of waking up, going to work, not talking to anyone, going home and getting into bed. Like Mr. Bean. Fightbook will value your list of associates very highly.

Before a friend enquiry may be approved, at least one photo containing the two persons claiming their acquaintance must be presented, after which each claimant must fill in a questionnaire about the other in secrecy. Blood tests may also be required in some cases to prove identities.

Steps like these will make you truly appreciate your friend list and prevent unscrupulous attention seekers from posting un-intellectual media on your wall.

That concludes the taster. I, like you, am proverbially salivating at this very moment. Fightbook will forever change the internet (Bulbous is its mercy).

Later!!

A week with out a limb!!

That’s what I feel like right now. I haven’t had any internet access since last week Wednesday and I’ve been feeling like a lost child since. It is back up today though, but now I have a hundred blogs to catch up on and my own to write. I promise I’ll get around to everyone’s, okay? 🙂

In the meantime, my darling brother Ringo is writing more often (somehow he found out about my pseudo-plagiarism) so I get to post his writings more often. Here is the latest one:

Quick and Critical Analyses of Movies No-one Saw

1. The Eye

Plot: Jessica Alba is blind. She has been for many years and must live life using her other senses to ‘see’. Her HEARING is especially good and borders on superhuman. Then she gets an eye transplant, presumably, to stare at her super-hot self.

But the donor eyes are from a Mexican girl who hanged herself, and Jessica starts seeing ghosts and shit.

What a surprise.

This critic’s critique:
Poor acting. (Sorry Alba. Please can we still date?)
Slow pace
Boring and idiotic dialogue

O and the fact that despite Alba having not been able to see for years and having the HEARING powers of a bat, she suddenly sees and HEARS ghosts. Why couldn’t she hear them before? Did the doctor’s play a practical joke on her a transplant the ears of a third world kid who committed suicide onto her too?

2. Primeval

Plot: Somewhere in Africa there’s is a river with a famous crocodile called Gustav. Gustav has been eating people for years and the locals have built up an aura of the devil around him.

A band of intrepid (read: cliché) Americans venture into the wild to catch this big boy.

Cue screams, rain and crappy CGI.

This critic critique:
Unoriginal
Cliché
Done before
Hit head into wall

Where did they do their research on crocodiles? Gustav IS the devil. He can climb trees, drag big boats around like toy bathtub ducks and roar.

Best of all though: Tall Athletic Black Man is in the middle of a grassy field, I’m guessing, about 50m from any water. Gustav, having only eaten East Africa during the movie, is still a bit peckish. He decides to get out of the water (where crocodiles do all their hunting) and proceeds to chase Tall Athletic Black Man hundreds of meter across African savannah like it’s a documentary about cheetahs. He catches and devours him.

3. Teeth

Plot: Some high school girl and her boyfriend live in Middle America. They are publicly ridiculed everyday for abstaining from sex. Because everyone knows you should start as early as possible and scream at other people for not doing the same.

One day, she and her boy go to the woods on a camping trip. He does a 180 on the sex thing and tries to have his way with her. Her vagina bites his manhood off.

Yes, you read correctly.

This critic’s critique:
Really, really, really bad acting (can you still call it acting then?)
Violence towards woman
Violence towards penises

What this movie taught me is that every man in the world is a super pervert and should be shot.

This girl nearly gets raped by her curly haired boyfriend who doesn’t look like he could force himself on a pillow. Then she nearly gets sexually assaulted by her gynaecologist because she doesn’t read pamphlets. Then she nearly sleeps with a guy who made a bet that he could have sex with her, twice. Then she nearly commits to incest with her bad-boy brother because he screamed at her dad, all inside one week.

Luckily, she has teeth in her vagina.

4. Alien VS Predator: Requiem

Plot: Two races of aliens invade a small American town that’s just like your small American town. One alien likes to lick things head’s off and the other skins stuff with a sharp Frisbee.

They are here to fight between themselves and as a result of their poor aim/coordination, kill everything except each other.

Only two options, run to the centre of town or run out of town. No cars allowed.

This critic’s critique:
Passable acting
Darkness
Stupid community leaders
Rain

Why don’t they just all leave? Get in your car and drive out of town, easy. Just because there are aliens around town doesn’t mean your licence becomes invalid. LEAVE!

Do not run to the centre of town and wait for help. As anyone who’s ever watched a movie of your American town being overrun by zombies/vampires/ aliens/ Russians may well know: the government is not coming for help. In fact, The Man has been waiting and praying for just this opportunity to launch a nuclear offensive against himself.

The result: Your ass gets fried in the holocaust along with the alien’s.

Seriously: Where are all the cars?

Have a good one!!

Writing Guidelines

Let me start by saying that my younger brother is hilarious (or at least I think he is), he also writes very well, even though he doesn’t think so. The only real outlet he has for writing is the Notes facility on Facebook. He wrote this note a month or so ago and I’ve decided that more people need to share in his humouristic genius. So Ringo, this is your note, whether you like it or not…

Writing Guidelines by Ringo

Learn to spell.
Then I’ll know it’s a language I can understand and I’ll keep reading.

Use grammar.
Then I can read it and know it’s not a random collection of words.

Punctuation is required.
This helps prevent death from lack of oxygen when reading aloud.

Stop exaggerating so much.
Then I’ll believe you more of the time.

Don’t try to be funny with every single sentence.
You aren’t.

About how empty, meaningless, materialistic, pessimistic, disloyal, ugly, dark, anguish filled, pretentious, fake and/or ‘plastic’ the world, the human race, the future, popular entertainment, them, they, me or your life is, has become and/or will be.
Writing about this has been done. You’re a sissy.

Use facts that are true.
If I know you’re lying or making it up, I’ll not be impressed.

LOL, ROFL, OMG, WTF, BRB etc.
Using any of the above mentioned abominations, or any other I didn’t list, will put you on my douche list.

Swearing can be fun.
It can also be gosh-darn irritating.

If a simile, metaphor or expression makes no sense, don’t use it.
“…pisses off…more than an Agro[sic] Eric Cartman on PMS showing you thoughts of impending end-of-the-world stigmata on a piece of pig rind…”

Criticism is just opinion.
Take it or leave it. Don’t fight it.

Disclaimer: There is no reason to follow these guidelines. I am not a writer and I didn’t study literature.

I’m going to be posting more of his work as he writes it. I’m very proud of my little brother and may even tell him what I’m doing (one day…..)