Tag Archives: lametations

Today I want….

17 Jun

…to run away.

I don’t even have the energy to explain why.  I’m sorry I’ve been so negative lately but I seriously don’t even know how to look on the bright side anymore.  I’m actually starting to doubt the existence of this fabled “bright side”.

Here’s a question: How do you not let work rule your life and emotions when you spend the majority of your day at work and are dependent on your salary to survive?

Fuck, this is just making me want to cry.

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In hiding

31 May

Not that I’ve ever been the most regular of bloggers, but I’ve been even more in hiding for the past year or so. Mostly because I’m too depressed to blog and I don’t want to come here and complain all the time.

The whole online journal thingy kinda gets obscured that way.  It’s meant to be a place where I can vent and write my private thoughts (seeing as writing them in an actual book is never gonna happen) but there are so many people that read this that I don’t know if I feel comfortable posting just anything.  And let’s be honest, there are few things as annoying as one protected post after the other.

However, this blog still belongs to me and as such, I’m going to write what I want to. If you don’t like it, you’re welcome to go to my Links page and follow one of those people instead. A lot of them are infinitely more happy than I am at the moment and they’re very nice people too. But if you can handle the moaning until it becomes happiness again, then please feel free to keep reading. 😉

*actual post in which I start complaining to follow later*

Losing myself…

21 May

….in work, in being a mom and a wife and a friend and a daughter.

I’m kind of feeling like Bilbo Baggins in the first movie, “Kind of thin, like butter spread over too much toast”.

Things have been beyond hectic at the office.  Enough to have me in tears on more than one occasion and to consider taking my family and running of to go live off the land somewhere in the bush.

There are so many expectations hanging over my head.  People are expecting me to be Superwoman and Flash all in one, and there are just not enough hours in the day.  I’ve resorted to taking work home and then waiting till everyone is asleep and no longer need me to be mommy or honey or the cleaning lady or the cook before I start catching up with the work that I don’t have enough time to do at the office.

Ah, the office. The place where I am the sales lady, the buyer, the tea lady, the technical support, the secretary and the clients’ punching bag.

Did I mention how much I hate failing?  Hate not living up to everyone’s expectations, thus spreading myself even thinner so that I can get keep everyone happy.

Its taking its toll now. I have health problems that I’m pushing off to the side to be addressed later when I have time. I have a course that I desperately want to finish so that I can finally do something that I love….but it has to wait so that I can attend to all my other responsibilities. I have a second job to pay for all the things I can’t cover with my salary (neither pays enough as it is).

I have family and friends who complain that they never see me. I have a husband who feels like he needs to make an appointment to have alone time with me.  I have people at church who depend on me and the talents I have. I have a daughter who wants to play with me.

And underneath all of this I have me. The person who yearns for just a moment to relax. A moment to stop worrying and working and complaining. I desperately want to have fun without having to worry if I can afford that one drink or who is going to look after my daughter or if my husband is going to be upset that I’m not spending that time with him. Hell, I would love to be able to just spend time with him, without being expected to be all lovey-dovey and and romantic.

I’m drowning here, and I don’t know which way is up anymore.

And this post was not as therapeutic as I’d hoped.

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