Tag Archives: My 30 Days

Day 14 → A hero that has let you down (letter)

25 Nov

I’m starting to wonder if there is something wrong with me.

I don’t get compliments, I don’t have a favourite band, I don’t have a specific goal…..and I don’t have a hero.

I’m trying to recall if there was ever a time in my life where I had a hero and I’m coming up blank.  I guess my mom is the closest person to a hero in my life, but I don’t feel like she’s really ever let me down in such a way that it left any permanent damage.  Everyone is human, and humans aren’t perfect.  Heroes will let you down because they are human too.

This is turning out to be a particularly boring post.  Sorry about that.  I suppose no-one can be interesting all the time.

Until tomorrow then 🙂

 

 

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Day 13 → A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days (write a letter)

24 Nov

Let me just clear one thing out of the way.  I’ve mentioned before that I am a singer.  A musician of sorts.  Music is like Valium to me and it is almost impossible to choose any one band or artist that could carry the title as the only on to get through to me.

To that end, I will write to the music industry as a whole, highlighting certain songs or artists that have had an impact on me over the years.

Dear World of Musos,

I”m not sure if you truly understand the impact you’ve had on my life.  I don’t know if it would be possible to put into words how passionate I am about the wondrous melodies that have come forth from your bosom.  The songs that you’ve created in your world have rocked mine.  There are moments in my memory where nothing else could break through, besides the words of a certain song.

I listen to music when I’m happy, singing along to the words with a smile on my face.  I laugh and squeal along to the playful rhythms of Mika and Lily Allen and Eliza Doolittle.

I listen to music when I want calm and peace.  Many a day has been spent languishing in the rich melodies of Chopin, Mozart and Tchaikovsky.

I listen to music when I’m angry, singing along to Evanescence, My Chemical Romance and 30 Seconds to Mars when my temper has flared and my mind is a raging storm.

I listen to music when I’m working, finding energy in Norah Jones, Jack Johnson and Damien Rice.

I listen to music when I’m lonely, seeking companionship in Muse, Kings of Leon and The Killers.

Music inspires me, rejuvenates me and excites me.  Music turns me on and quietens my thoughts.

I can listen to a song and hear nothing else.  A beautiful voice or melody or lyric can move me to tears and has done so many, many times.

Music is the lifeblood of my soul.

Music is part of who I am.

I am a musician.

And I am humbled.

Thank you…

xxx

Day 12 → Something you never get compliments on

23 Nov

This title seems to imply that there is something that I do that I wish people would notice.

First off, let me refer back to the Five Love Languages I mentioned yesterday.  One thing I’ve learned over the years, long before I knew that my love language was Words of Affirmation, was that I tend to fish for compliments.  It’s something I used to think I’d picked up from my dad when I was growing up; he always used to repeat something over and over, looking for approval.  I now understand that its just my way of asking for love.

As such, I do the same thing my dad does.  I keep referring to anything that I want to be acknowledged for.  For instance asking my husband repeatedly whether he liked the meal that I cooked.  I’m fairly subtle about it, and you won’t realise I’m doing it unless you really pay attention.  I fish the most when a compliment catches me off guard.  If someone tells me that I look pretty when I haven’t gone to any sort of trouble, I’ll try to get them to repeat the compliment at least twice more….mostly because I don’t believe it.

I generally get some form of acknowledgement (mostly in the form of thanks) for the things that I want acknowledgement for, but I have to fish for it most of the time.

Day 11 → Something people seem to compliment you the most on

22 Nov

Maybe I’m just not observant enough, but I can’t specifically think of what I get compliments on often. Probably because I don’t get complimented very much.

I seem to be thanked more than complimented.   My boss will thank me for a job well done or my husband will thank me for a good meal, but compliments?  Not so much.

I guess this is why I have such wonderful (read dismal) self-esteem.  I read a book a while ago called ” The Five Love Languages” and according to author Gary Chapman, my love language is Words of Affirmation.  What that boils down to is that I need to hear that I’m doing a good job or that I look pretty or that I’m important to someone.  If I don’t hear it, I don’t feel loved or needed.

I suppose getting thanked does help.  It makes me feel that I do get noticed, even if I’m not good enough to be complimented.  It’s better then nothing.

It’s starting to sound like I never get compliments.  This isn’t my intention.  I do get compliments, just not very often.

*Edit:  I started writing this post at about 10am, it is now 3pm and its finally dawned on me that I do get complimented on one thing fairly often.*

The one thing I do get complimented on is my daughter.  People can’t stop telling me how well behaved and beautiful she is.  I guess I don’t see it as a compliment because I don’t think that I’m responsible for her being so good or so pretty.  I just feel lucky that we’ve been blessed with a little girl whose smile will melt your heart.

Meh.  This was not a nice topic.

Day 10 → Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know

18 Nov

*I have undertaken to be completely honest throughout this meme, and I will not deviate from that.  In certain cases, however, I will not disclose names or nicknames.  This is one such a case*

There is no-one in my life (outside of work) that I wish I didn’t know.  I may not be fast friends with all the people I’ve met, but everyone has added something to my life, whether it be in the form of life lessons, entertainment value or true friendship.

That said, there is a few people that I need to let go.  People who were friends, but who are almost strangers now.  I’ll only tell you about one today.

We met about 6 years ago.  She’d recently moved form the university town she’d lived in while studying.  She had family in the area and joined her cousin at a home-cell we had one evening.  I couldn’t quite decide if I liked her or not.  We chatted but never really clicked.   I saw her at social events and the like, but I had closer friends so I wasn’t too phased.

We remained acquaintances for a good two years before we finally started chatting on a regular basis.  When I say chatting, I mean literally that: chatting via instant messenger.  I had added her as a friend some time prior to this, but on this particular occasion another friend had pissed me off and I needed someone to talk to straight away…she was available and our friendship kicked off.

At first that was the majority of our contact.  We literally chatted every single day, saw each other on Thursdays when we had choir practice together, and on Sundays at church.  We became very good friends, eventually making a date to visit together every Monday night as well.  My world started revolving around seeing her.  She was the person I went to when I needed a shoulder to cry on, or when I needed to blow off steam.  She was always the voice of reason.

Then I got pregnant.  Suddenly I was too tired to stay out late and all I wanted to do was go home and go to bed early every night.  I felt that I needed to spend as much time as possible with my husband as these would be the last few months of it being just the two of us.  So I stopped the Monday night visits.

At first it wasn’t a big deal.  We still saw each other on Thursdays and Sundays, even though we didn’t have quite as much time to chat.  She was going through a very difficult time at work and I was avoiding most forms of online contact, so we only chatted occasionally.  When I did see her, she would tell me about some gathering she’d recently been to, or any new developments in her life.  More often than not, I would have no idea who the people were that she spent all her time with.  She normally met them via one of the various social media channels and made friends with them at whichever event was the highlight of the week.  I even laughed to myself about the whole thing, as she had always been VERY strict about her privacy and keeping her identity a secret.

Eventually I came to a point where I had other things to worry about, like being a new mom.  My daughter was my main focus and I stopped thinking about the fact that I barely saw my once close friend anymore.  Admittedly, when I did see her I always felt a pang of jealousy towards her new friends.  She no longer had a need for me.  If she was upset or wanted to have a night out, she had other friends who she could turn to.  I even felt hurt that she’d moved on so quickly.

Until I noticed a trend.  It took a couple of months (maybe even a year) before I realised that this was normal for her.  She would be friends with a group of people for a couple of months, then something would happen and she’d flit off to the next group.  Every time someone in the current group would be her bestest friend, but once the novelty wore off or a fight was had or whatever she would just move on to her next best friend.

Initially I got irritated about the whole business.  I couldn’t understand how people would trust her in such a short time.  She always seemed to know everything about everybody; worrying about whichever friend was going though a bad patch at the moment.   Don’t get me wrong, she rarely ever gave away a secret, but I did get annoyed at hearing that there was a secret in the first place.  It almost felt like she was rubbing it in my face that she knew something that I didn’t.

A few weeks I finally came to the realization that it didn’t matter anymore.  I finally figured out that I had also trusted her and let her into my life completely for a short while, but that I didn’t really know all that much about her.  She used to say how only her one friend really knew her (I believe they actually still have fairly regular contact), and I think I’ve finally realized that no-one will ever take that friend’s place.  She’ll always be the one who listens to and gives advice to anyone who needs it.  She will always be the innocent, ditzy, naive girl that everyone loves but no-one really knows.

So I’m letting her go.  I’m done holding on to a friendship that lasted only a season.  I’ll still be friendly to her, but I’m not going to go out of my way to tell her about important things in my life.  She’s regained close acquaintance status in my life.

And that’s okay.

Day 09 → Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted

11 Nov

My best friend, Janet.

We met in primary school, in Std 1 (Grade 3) and became fast friends from the get go.  We had a weird friendship where we would drift for a little while, mostly no longer than a year, and then drift back together.

Our longest constant stretch of being in daily contact started in highschool.  We drifted back towards each other at the end of Std. 8 and stayed friends until we finished school.  The first year after school we spent less time together (mostly due to my bastard boyfriend) but when he left me I contacted her immediately.

For the next two years we were virtually inseparable.  I spent more time at her house then at my own.  We could have full conversations by just looking at each other, much to the annoyance of our other two girlfriends.  We knew absolutely everything about each other, sharing many an embarrassing moment or experience.  She was the first person I phoned if I was upset over something, and she would cry on my shoulder if her parents or boyfriend at the time did something to make her unhappy.  We could tell each others moods from the moment we saw each other.  She was the closest thing to a sister that I’d ever had.

Then I met my husband.  At first we still saw each other as often as possible.  She welcomed hubby into our group with open arms.  He understood that she was my best friend and that no-one knew me better than her.  As such, my loyalty was with her first.

Sadly, we ended up betraying each other.

I had done something I wasn’t very proud of.  I could justify it and I wasn’t entirely in the wrong, but I still knew that it could hurt quite a few people if word got out.  I didn’t tell a soul, except Janet.  I was certain that she wouldn’t say anything and for a few months she didn’t.  Unfortunately alcohol and nasty secrets don’t mix well.  She got drunk on a New Year’s party and told the very person that my secret would hurt the most.  The party turned into the Spanish Inquisition and the worst evening of my life.  Janet chose to pick the side of the person she’d told the secret to and ended up not speaking to me for months….even though she was the one who broke my trust.

A good three months later, she contacted me again.  We made up and picked our friendship up where we’d left off.  I was so happy that she was speaking to me again, I didn’t even ask for an explanation as to why she betrayed me in the first place. We spent as much time as possible together again, catching up on lost time.

I was still dating Hubby at this point, he’d stuck with me and supported me through the worst parts of the whole betrayal incident.  I’d fallen head over heels in love with him and even started going to church with him.  I wasn’t raised in a religious household, so this was something new for me.  Before long I found faith and became a regular churchgoer, finally making the decision to move closer to Hubby and the church where I’d joined the music ministry.

It became very hard to see Janet regularly as we were living in different towns now.  I tried to see her every time I would go and visit my mom and she would come through as often as she could.  I was getting more and more involved with the church and spent as much time as much time as possible with Hubby.

About a month after I moved to the new town, Hubby asked me to marry him.  I was ecstatic and obviously asked Janet to be my maid of honour.  Things were moving very fast and I was heavily swept up in this new life of mine and all the changes that were happening to and around me.

All this change was, however, no excuse for what I ended up saying to Janet.

I don’t remember if it was via sms, email or telephone, but one afternoon about a month after Hubby and I got engaged, Janet and I got into a fight.  I don’t really remember how the argument started or what exactly was said, but I do know that I said some idiotic and naive things about religion and made unfounded, stupid and totally unnecessary comments about the fact that I was a Christian and Janet wasn’t.

She didn’t deserve any of what I had said.  I had no right to have said anything at all.  I was acting out of my own stupidity and was a disgrace to my faith.  Unfortunately, she felt the same way.  By the time I realised that I had made a tremendous mistake, it was too late.  Janet flipped…she told me exactly what to do with my self-righteous ass and made it clear that we were no longer friends.

I was completely shattered.  This was all my doing.  I’d been such an idiot and had lost my best friend because of it.  I had been exactly the type of person who makes people turn away from any form of religion.  Judgemental, self-righteous, holier-than-thou.  All of the things I’ve learned to despise over the years.

Thankfully, Janet decided to forgive me.  She contacted me about 18 months later, shortly before my wedding.  We started emailing back and forth again and eventually decided to meet up.  We were still able to talk about almost anything, but things just weren’t quite the same.  We didn’t see each other for months after that, just keeping sporadic contact via email.

We saw each other at specific events.  I went to her baby shower and to the Christmas party shortly after her daughter was born.  I saw the photos of her wedding on Facebook (she was getting back at me for not including her in my wedding.)  We invite each other to birthday parties and other milestones.

I haven’t seen her since my daughter was about 9 months old.  I forgot to wish her a happy birthday this year.  I’ve met a new friend who gets me the same way Janet used to.

Slowly, I’m making peace with the fact that things will never be the same.

Day 08 → Someone who made your life hell, or treated you badly

8 Nov

I’ve never been the most popular person amongst my peers.  That should be the first indication that I’ve had many people that have made my life miserable over the years.

I’m not sure why some people were so nasty to me.  I’m not particularly pretty, I’m not rich and I’m nice to people….it’s something that’s baffled me for years.  Yet, throughout my relatively short life, I’ve often had at least one person who totally hated my guts; and they made no secret of it.

I think I’ll catalogue the people that have been particularly nasty to me over the years…because I can:

  1. Claudette – the first girl who hated me in primary school.  I think it had something to do with the fact that I could read when I started school.  Some jealousy issues or something. Frankly, I still have no clue why she didn’t like me.
  2. Corine – we met in high school. After I kissed her best friend’s boyfriend. Okay, so that one was my fault.
  3. Nadia – we were in primary school together. Never friends, but never really enemies either.  She became much more popular in high school and suddenly her favourite pastime was to make fun of me where I could hear her.  Pity I didn’t actually care what she thought of me.  Some people are just malicious like that.
  4. Sadly my stepmom and dad also make this list.  We’re on much better terms now, but there was a time when I would look for excuses not to see them.  It was a miserable time, one that I’m glad is over now.
  5. My last boss.  He was a wretched man who went out of his way to make my life hell.  He would go for weeks not speaking to me due to some error on my part.  All the while the atmosphere in the office would be thick with tension.  Everyone could see when he was in a bad mood, but he refused to just deal with it and move on.  It was like he was determined to make me suffer.  When he would finally confront me about whatever it was that I had supposedly done wrong, I would be completely bowled over by his utterly absurd accusations.  He once refused to speak to me for three weeks because I had assumed that the one new chair we’d gotten was to replace my broken chair.  Apparently that’s not what it was for.   I never did find out what he wanted that stupid chair for.  It was all I could do not to shout from the hilltops when he handed in his resignation.

I’m happy to announce that I currently have no-one in my life that is treating me badly.  Granted, some of our clients are total idiots, but they are just clients and they tend to be pretty childish more often than not.  I choose not to let it get to me in the long run.  I’ve gotten to a point where people being nasty to me doesn’t bother me that much anymore. Sure, it hurts when they say certain things, but in the long run they’re the bitter ones, not me.   I can decide whether I want to take their (often unjust) opinions to heart and let it run my life, or I can brush it off and move on to better things.  I don’t need negative people in my life.

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