A week with out a limb!!

10 Nov

That’s what I feel like right now. I haven’t had any internet access since last week Wednesday and I’ve been feeling like a lost child since. It is back up today though, but now I have a hundred blogs to catch up on and my own to write. I promise I’ll get around to everyone’s, okay? 🙂

In the meantime, my darling brother Ringo is writing more often (somehow he found out about my pseudo-plagiarism) so I get to post his writings more often. Here is the latest one:

Quick and Critical Analyses of Movies No-one Saw

1. The Eye

Plot: Jessica Alba is blind. She has been for many years and must live life using her other senses to ‘see’. Her HEARING is especially good and borders on superhuman. Then she gets an eye transplant, presumably, to stare at her super-hot self.

But the donor eyes are from a Mexican girl who hanged herself, and Jessica starts seeing ghosts and shit.

What a surprise.

This critic’s critique:
Poor acting. (Sorry Alba. Please can we still date?)
Slow pace
Boring and idiotic dialogue

O and the fact that despite Alba having not been able to see for years and having the HEARING powers of a bat, she suddenly sees and HEARS ghosts. Why couldn’t she hear them before? Did the doctor’s play a practical joke on her a transplant the ears of a third world kid who committed suicide onto her too?

2. Primeval

Plot: Somewhere in Africa there’s is a river with a famous crocodile called Gustav. Gustav has been eating people for years and the locals have built up an aura of the devil around him.

A band of intrepid (read: cliché) Americans venture into the wild to catch this big boy.

Cue screams, rain and crappy CGI.

This critic critique:
Unoriginal
Cliché
Done before
Hit head into wall

Where did they do their research on crocodiles? Gustav IS the devil. He can climb trees, drag big boats around like toy bathtub ducks and roar.

Best of all though: Tall Athletic Black Man is in the middle of a grassy field, I’m guessing, about 50m from any water. Gustav, having only eaten East Africa during the movie, is still a bit peckish. He decides to get out of the water (where crocodiles do all their hunting) and proceeds to chase Tall Athletic Black Man hundreds of meter across African savannah like it’s a documentary about cheetahs. He catches and devours him.

3. Teeth

Plot: Some high school girl and her boyfriend live in Middle America. They are publicly ridiculed everyday for abstaining from sex. Because everyone knows you should start as early as possible and scream at other people for not doing the same.

One day, she and her boy go to the woods on a camping trip. He does a 180 on the sex thing and tries to have his way with her. Her vagina bites his manhood off.

Yes, you read correctly.

This critic’s critique:
Really, really, really bad acting (can you still call it acting then?)
Violence towards woman
Violence towards penises

What this movie taught me is that every man in the world is a super pervert and should be shot.

This girl nearly gets raped by her curly haired boyfriend who doesn’t look like he could force himself on a pillow. Then she nearly gets sexually assaulted by her gynaecologist because she doesn’t read pamphlets. Then she nearly sleeps with a guy who made a bet that he could have sex with her, twice. Then she nearly commits to incest with her bad-boy brother because he screamed at her dad, all inside one week.

Luckily, she has teeth in her vagina.

4. Alien VS Predator: Requiem

Plot: Two races of aliens invade a small American town that’s just like your small American town. One alien likes to lick things head’s off and the other skins stuff with a sharp Frisbee.

They are here to fight between themselves and as a result of their poor aim/coordination, kill everything except each other.

Only two options, run to the centre of town or run out of town. No cars allowed.

This critic’s critique:
Passable acting
Darkness
Stupid community leaders
Rain

Why don’t they just all leave? Get in your car and drive out of town, easy. Just because there are aliens around town doesn’t mean your licence becomes invalid. LEAVE!

Do not run to the centre of town and wait for help. As anyone who’s ever watched a movie of your American town being overrun by zombies/vampires/ aliens/ Russians may well know: the government is not coming for help. In fact, The Man has been waiting and praying for just this opportunity to launch a nuclear offensive against himself.

The result: Your ass gets fried in the holocaust along with the alien’s.

Seriously: Where are all the cars?

Have a good one!!

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6 Responses to “A week with out a limb!!”

  1. Anonymous 11/11/2008 at 14:58 #

    lol really enjoyed reading the reviews, especially about Teeth, heh heh will look out for that film.

  2. BecauseIcan 11/11/2008 at 18:13 #

    [Luckily, she has teeth in her vagina.]

    OMF!!

    Serious? where do you find these movies..lol!

    you watched the whole thing ??

    Teeth?? I think you’re pulling my leg..

  3. po 11/11/2008 at 18:37 #

    That teeth thing sound either really dodgy or really hilarious but I may give up the chance of finding out for myself 🙂

  4. Being Brazen 13/11/2008 at 09:54 #

    I hate it when i dont have internet access – Glad you back up and running

    🙂

    I heard about that teeth movie a few months back- such an odd /freaky idea.

  5. Tamara 13/11/2008 at 13:16 #

    Hehehahehehahaha… Nearly wet myself reading this. Your brother is hilarious. Where does he find these crappy movies?

    So glad my PC is letting me see your blog today – the past few posts wouldn’t load properly, so I had to read them in my feed reader and wasn’t able to comment.

  6. Arkwife 13/11/2008 at 13:25 #

    Anon: I will make a conscious effort not to watch these movies. My brother has never been wrong in his assessment of movies. 🙂

    BIC: I wish I could take the credit for this….seriously though, I have no idea where he finds these Hollywood gems.

    Po: now that you mention it, maybe I should watch just that one….

    BB: I’ve also heard about it. Very strange idea.

    Tamara: good to know you still love me 🙂 Looks like you have as much pc trouble as I do.

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