Consider the variables

25 Nov

What a ridiculous year end…..I’m not all that busy, but I’m completely knackered. This year can end now….seriously!!

Due to my total lack of energy and creativeness, I’m posting on of Ringo’s infamous notes again. Enjoy!!


Fools! Foolhardy fools, every one! I do not need your social networking contraption. It is broken. I shall have mine own bastion of needlessly specific groups and useless ‘applications’.

I shall name this plethora of interesting: Fightbook.

Here, I give you a slight but tantalizing view of the dream I have:

1. Applications

No longer will I tolerate applications that create black-holes off stupidity, sucking in the intellect of the masses. No Mob Wars or Gifts or Drinks. Gone are Pillow Fights and ‘What Character Are You?’ questionnaires.

I have these instead:
Profile Graffiti – Change others profile’s as you see fit. Let the true artist come to the fore and ignite self-doubt in friends who have lost their likes and dislikes in you creativeness!

News Feed Editor – Become a media empire and shape what people see and hear in the news feed.

Sensationalist reports about your co-workers? O.K!

False facts based on made up statistics and studies? You’ve got it!

How about scandals involving your friends? You’re cooking with fire now!

Accept, Ignore, Destroy! – Now you have more choice when deciding what to do with friend requests. It is up to you to shape the destiny of that person you remember from somewhere, but you’re not sure and the picture is small and the name conjures up only questions.

2. The Status Bar

The sanctity of the status, is there a more revered device on the all powerful internet (Praise be to it)? The safety gained from knowing that others know of you immediate disposition, at all times, truly is rapturous glee.

Now, I submit to you this scenario:

“Wait a minute”; you think to yourself as you check your status for the umpteenth time this hour, hoping that someone has commented on your “LOLZ, I fell when I try thinck and walk at sam timez, BRB!” update. You look again and read: “I’m gay now.”

What you have just felt is the pure bliss of having other people update your beloved status when and how they see fit. No further comment required.

3. Groups

This is the darkest sector of the internet (May its blessings rain down). No-where else is the concentration of folly as high as this collection of brain abortions.

There are groups that proclaim to be charitable but do absolutely nothing except claim to be charitable. Other groups are anti-child pornography and they make you feel despicable for not joining their neo-cause. Worst of all are the overly specific groups that clog up our pages, like this example: “People Who Like KFC, But Not Too Much And Only The Zingers. Also Only On Wednesdays”.

There will be no such silliness in my omnipresent presence!

My groups will require active involvement or the members will face swift retribution. If you join a charity group, money will be taken from you and given to someone else. If you join the fight against crime (group), you and crime will fight. Music groups will require concert attendance and a certain amount of track downloads per month.

All the groups will track your movement and opinions at all times. Just one false move or sign that you do not, in fact “…Like To Wear My Underwear Over My Pants Like Superman But Only Boxers And Only Over Jeans And Only On Saturdays”, and you will be visited by the administrators and re-aligned.

4. Friends

Without your comrades, you are an empty, lonely shell. You have nothing to live for and are a burden upon society. Life is an endless routine of waking up, going to work, not talking to anyone, going home and getting into bed. Like Mr. Bean. Fightbook will value your list of associates very highly.

Before a friend enquiry may be approved, at least one photo containing the two persons claiming their acquaintance must be presented, after which each claimant must fill in a questionnaire about the other in secrecy. Blood tests may also be required in some cases to prove identities.

Steps like these will make you truly appreciate your friend list and prevent unscrupulous attention seekers from posting un-intellectual media on your wall.

That concludes the taster. I, like you, am proverbially salivating at this very moment. Fightbook will forever change the internet (Bulbous is its mercy).



3 Responses to “Consider the variables”

  1. po 25/11/2008 at 12:19 #

    Brilliant! love it because it is so true, even though I have committed every one of the follies listed. I think I am over Facebook now!

  2. angel 28/11/2008 at 09:19 #


    have you seen “hatebook”!?!? it really exists!

  3. Tamara 03/12/2008 at 10:02 #

    heehee… I’m anti-FB. This is right up my alley.

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