Day 04 → Something you have to forgive someone for

2 Nov

I’m amazed at how hard some of these are to answer.  Not because they hurt or are private, but because it’s so difficult to think of an example.

Unfortunately, as I was about to type the words “I can’t think of anyone”, my heart took over and reminded me that ignoring a problem doesn’t mean that its gone away.  It also doesn’t mean that I’ve dealt with it.

One of the reasons I’ve stopped writing my story, besides for it being a very painful and draining experience, is that I felt that I was making myself even more resentful instead of forgiving my dad and my stepmom.

The truth is that, though I’m on much better terms with both of them now, I still haven’t said the words.  I haven’t made the conscious decision to forgive them.  I know this in my heart, but I avoid it in my head.

To me, forgiving them feels like I allowed them to hurt me.  It feels like I’m letting those lost years go without any proper explanation for everything that happened and certainly without receiving the apology that I feel I deserve.

Is that selfish of me?  Part of me thinks that it is.  It’s not them who lives with the baggage, it’s me.  I know that if I forgive them, that weight may just be lifted off my shoulders. But I can’t let go.

Perhaps I hide behind what I went through (which is quite a bit more than what I’ve written before), to justify mistakes that I make now.  Perhaps I don’t want to let go of my excuse.  I know that I sometimes I do and say things that may hurt my family and friends and many times the reason why I say or do those things is because of the experiences I had.  If I forgive and forget, what justification would I have for my actions?

On the other hand….if I let go of my past hurts, would I still hurt the people around me now, or would I free myself from the shackles binding me to my past?

I know that I’ll need to make this decision soon, life is too short to live in the past.

I’m just not ready yet.

 

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One Response to “Day 04 → Something you have to forgive someone for”

  1. caz 02/11/2010 at 16:58 #

    there’s an annoying (but true) saying that goes “unforgiveness is like eating rat poison and hoping someone else will die” (not sure if it has to be RAT poison, but you get the point)

    Sheesh lady. I just went back and read your story. really really unfair stuff. I can see why forgiveness would feel almost wrong. How do your brothers cope with all this?
    Anyway, I hope you find some peace xx

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