I’m amazed at how hard some of these are to answer. Not because they hurt or are private, but because it’s so difficult to think of an example.
Unfortunately, as I was about to type the words “I can’t think of anyone”, my heart took over and reminded me that ignoring a problem doesn’t mean that its gone away. It also doesn’t mean that I’ve dealt with it.
One of the reasons I’ve stopped writing my story, besides for it being a very painful and draining experience, is that I felt that I was making myself even more resentful instead of forgiving my dad and my stepmom.
The truth is that, though I’m on much better terms with both of them now, I still haven’t said the words. I haven’t made the conscious decision to forgive them. I know this in my heart, but I avoid it in my head.
To me, forgiving them feels like I allowed them to hurt me. It feels like I’m letting those lost years go without any proper explanation for everything that happened and certainly without receiving the apology that I feel I deserve.
Is that selfish of me? Part of me thinks that it is. It’s not them who lives with the baggage, it’s me. I know that if I forgive them, that weight may just be lifted off my shoulders. But I can’t let go.
Perhaps I hide behind what I went through (which is quite a bit more than what I’ve written before), to justify mistakes that I make now. Perhaps I don’t want to let go of my excuse. I know that I sometimes I do and say things that may hurt my family and friends and many times the reason why I say or do those things is because of the experiences I had. If I forgive and forget, what justification would I have for my actions?
On the other hand….if I let go of my past hurts, would I still hurt the people around me now, or would I free myself from the shackles binding me to my past?
I know that I’ll need to make this decision soon, life is too short to live in the past.
I’m just not ready yet.