Day 03 → Something you have to forgive yourself for

Hmmm, another tricky subject.

Generally, I try not to dwell on my past mistakes.  I prefer to write my bad choices off as experience.  Would I have done some things differently? Definitely.  Do I regret where I am now because of a choice I might’ve made?  Not really.  I realise that no-one’s life is perfect and I know I could probably be better off if I didn’t have so much debt/wasn’t so lazy/didn’t eat that last cookie, but there’s no point in feeling guilty about things that are in the past and no longer in my control.  I prefer to pick myself up and move on with my life.

That said, there are a few things that sometimes creep up and haunt me every once in a while, and seeing as I’m always so painfully honest, I can’t help but to share one with you.

I wish I didn’t lie to our play director in Matric.  Our school had entered ourselves into the drama Eisteddfod and hired a professional actor and director to come and direct the play.  It was a French musical (I forget the name) and I obviously auditioned (A chance to dance and sing on stage? Hell yes!).  I managed to land one of the supporting lead roles, I was one of the female lead’s best friends.  It was so exciting, and we practiced every day after school.  I learned how to Charleston and had an absolute blast, even though we worked very hard.

Then the female lead disappeared.  The girl was in Grade 11 and a bit of an odd one.  Apparently things weren’t going very well at home and she ran away, leaving us worried and without a lead actress.

A couple of days later, one of my friends came to me with a very juicy rumour.  They were going to cast little old me in the lead role, to replace our runaway star.  I was elated to say the least.  I obviously didn’t want to get my hopes up too much, but it made perfect sense.  I was the only other person with enough singing ability, and I sort of looked like the other girl.  I couldn’t wait to get home and tell my long time (and extremely jealous) boyfriend the news.

What I’d forgotten about was the fact that my darling (read: idiot) boyfriend had seen the script, and he knew that the lead actress had to kiss the lead actor in one of the final scenes…..and he happened to *hate* the lead actor.  We had a tremendous fight, with him accusing me of wanting to cheat on him and me begging him to understand that it would just be acting.  In the end he pulled out the forbidden weapon – he said if I really loved him, I would quit the play.

I cried and cried the whole weekend after the fight, but,the stupid sucker I was, on Monday afternoon I dutifully went to the director and told him that I couldn’t be in the play anymore.  I cited my dismal math marks as the reason, saying that I was falling too far behind and that I couldn’t keep up with schoolwork and the long practicing hours.  (My math marks were really bad, but it had nothing to do with the play)

I never even went to watch the play when it finally opened.  Just thinking about it made me break down in tears, and I didn’t want my (dumbass) boyfriend to know how much I was hurting.  They ended up casting a girl who wasn’t the best singer in the world, but she was apparently a fantastic actress.  The play went on the win the National Eisteddfod competition.

A year later, this same boyfriend cheated on me and left without a word.  Only after he’d gone, did I realise how emotionally abusive he’d been.

To this day, I haven’t quite forgiven myself for letting him get to me the way he did.  He took the one thing that I was really passionate about and ruined it for me out of pure jealousy.  He made me lie for him!  But the worst part is that I let him do it.

Luckily I did learn a valuable lesson out of all of this.  I did pick myself up, and I went on to meet and marry a wonderful man who supports me in everything that I do.

And I learnt to never let someone walk over me like that….ever again.