Losing myself…

21 May

….in work, in being a mom and a wife and a friend and a daughter.

I’m kind of feeling like Bilbo Baggins in the first movie, “Kind of thin, like butter spread over too much toast”.

Things have been beyond hectic at the office.  Enough to have me in tears on more than one occasion and to consider taking my family and running of to go live off the land somewhere in the bush.

There are so many expectations hanging over my head.  People are expecting me to be Superwoman and Flash all in one, and there are just not enough hours in the day.  I’ve resorted to taking work home and then waiting till everyone is asleep and no longer need me to be mommy or honey or the cleaning lady or the cook before I start catching up with the work that I don’t have enough time to do at the office.

Ah, the office. The place where I am the sales lady, the buyer, the tea lady, the technical support, the secretary and the clients’ punching bag.

Did I mention how much I hate failing?  Hate not living up to everyone’s expectations, thus spreading myself even thinner so that I can get keep everyone happy.

Its taking its toll now. I have health problems that I’m pushing off to the side to be addressed later when I have time. I have a course that I desperately want to finish so that I can finally do something that I love….but it has to wait so that I can attend to all my other responsibilities. I have a second job to pay for all the things I can’t cover with my salary (neither pays enough as it is).

I have family and friends who complain that they never see me. I have a husband who feels like he needs to make an appointment to have alone time with me.  I have people at church who depend on me and the talents I have. I have a daughter who wants to play with me.

And underneath all of this I have me. The person who yearns for just a moment to relax. A moment to stop worrying and working and complaining. I desperately want to have fun without having to worry if I can afford that one drink or who is going to look after my daughter or if my husband is going to be upset that I’m not spending that time with him. Hell, I would love to be able to just spend time with him, without being expected to be all lovey-dovey and and romantic.

I’m drowning here, and I don’t know which way is up anymore.

And this post was not as therapeutic as I’d hoped.

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5 Responses to “Losing myself…”

  1. TotallyCooked 21/05/2010 at 13:17 #

    ^ that way is up 🙂

  2. Cazpi 21/05/2010 at 13:19 #

    Can only offer hugs. Do hope things ease up for you soon!

  3. caz 21/05/2010 at 13:37 #

    First of all:
    “CRAP!” it sucks that the post was not as therapeutic as it should have been. For some reason that bums me out the most – writing is meant to be one of those things that makes you feel better no matter what.

    Anyway, onto the bigger issues:
    I heard this analogy recently… you know the safety demos on flights? They always tell you to fit your own O2 mask before fitting anyone elses? Well it kind of makes sense.

    I am so sorry you are being pulled in all directions and that it feels like there is no respite from it all. Can I be bold and give some advice?
    They say that in life we are juggling a bunch of balls – family, faith, work, health, etc Work is a rubber ball, the rest are glass. For one thing why the hell are you the tea lady??? No ways man. You are not responsible for looking after everyone else – at this stage it’s affecting your own health. You need to look out for you (coz in doing that you are looking out for your child and husband too!)

    Not sure if that makes ANY sense but I’m rooting for you lady xx

  4. Rubyletters 24/05/2010 at 15:21 #

    *hugs* *hugs* and more * hugs* you know my number is always available to you my friend..even if i can sometimes only offer a shoulder and an ear. I agree with CAZ…as in totally.

    I love you so much my friend…so many prayers and love coming your way.

  5. arkwife 31/05/2010 at 11:36 #

    @TotallyCooked you made me smile 🙂

    @cazpi thanks lady

    @caz thanks for the encouragement. Things are starting to look up slightly at least 🙂

    @Ruby thanks for the hugs my friend. And thanks for being there last weekend. It was much appreciated.

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